An iPad Love Story

You saw the iPad for the first time. It was all the things you weren't. It was shiny and thin. You thought if only Apple had made you, you'd be thin too. It was a look you can never forget.

Then you weaseled one out of your boss, husband, wife, brother, sister, mother...or even God forbid...you won one from a radio station contest. It made you feel like this:

You downloaded apps. You downloaded Angry Birds and made excuses that you were going to the bathroom at work when in fact you just wanted to get to the next level. Then someone else got a non-Apple product and they tried to show it to you. You pitied them.

You found a mutual friend who was confused. They asked you if Apple was better than the other tablets like Samsung or Toshiba. How could they ask this?!? So you stared at them until they got it.

But your friend was still confused. They didn't get it...

Should I even look at the other tablets? Are those other brands better? You answered the best you could while being professional about it.

So they took your advice. They bought the iPad. You thought it was over. But then they walked in with the iPad 2. They showed you all the new features. It was even slimmer, had a camera, and had a new case. Jealousy set-in. You tried to dismiss it...you clapped for your friend.

You knew what needed to be done. You were ready. You were now a master at Angry Birds and boy were you pissed! How could they do this? How could they usurp you with better technology. You had led them to the promised land and now...this?! You planned the perfect murder.

When someone told you that your mutual friend had been found dead. You tried to look sad. "How terrible," you said. "How could this happen?"

You offered to take their brand new iPad 2 to remember them by. Everyone agreed. It should be yours. It was the...

The END

Have a Great Weekend, See you Monday <3

So You Want To Write A Fantasy For The Boys At GenCon?

DISCLAIMER: This post is full of sarcasm. Read at your own peril. I honestly don't mean anything that I've put down here.

Oh the boys of Gencon. I happen to be one of them. We are such nerds. That being said, I think I've isolated the formula for getting these girlfriend-less men to read your epic fantasy. And it goes something like this:

SIX STEPS TO WRITING FANTASY:

1) GET YOUR SETTING STRAIGHT: Write a historical account as accurate as possible to how life was really like in the middle ages in Europe. You want all the nitty-gritty details and armor as close to authentic as you can get. If possible, join some S.C.A. group and hang out with real medieval society nerds to get the authenticity down.  Then, once you've written that, add one fantastic element...a huge wall or a colossal tower (could be phallic) that scrapes the sky and have people wander around the base of it and wonder how it got there. People don't want to hear about your unicorns and other stuff. They want fantasy...and that means reality (but not really).  Like think reality but with a frickin' dragon in it. But don't go overboard with that dragon. It HAS TO BE REAL.

2) GET YOUR MYTHOLOGY RIGHT: People need to spout off about common things as if they're extraordinary. The sun isn't just a ball of fire...it's the God Apollo racing nude across the sky after the most beautiful Goddess (think Aphrodite). Then there's this story of how he caught her and ravished her but she got away right before his...moment... and when he squirted...and well...that stuff became the moon.  People will read that shit and think...wow...dat's amazin' mang.

3) DON'T BE ORIGINAL IN YOUR OPPRESSION: Think Braveheart here. Channel Mel Gibson and his hatred of minorites. People don't want to hear about how your homosexuals are suddenly empowered and have an intelligent society. They want the same as has been fed to them over and over. Make sure your homosexuals are nancy boys that get slapped around by real men. Make sure your women are all seamstresses and when they aren't doing that, they're in the kitchen cooking up what the men brought home for dinner. You think...hasn't this been done before?  IT doesn't matter...men will read this and then support it by saying, "But this is the world that the author created and as far as world-building goes...it's brilliant." Ayep.

4) WHITE-WASH YOUR FANTASY: No one wants Hispanic Kings unless they're meant to die. Negroes are good as servants or as barbarians but not as knights, lords, and ladies. Write about white men and women and their white kids. Give em blue eyes and washboard abs. That'll get a minority female audience to read your stuff too (ka-ching). This goes for everyone...check your manuscripts to make sure you have caucasians well-represented :) They are the Master Race. Hitler said it so it must be true.

5) WOMEN ARE VILLAINS: They don't have the strength to knock skulls in so make them clever and conniving bitches and you've got yourself a bestseller. Men will proclaim proudly, "Oh I love how the women are so empowered in these books." They will also proclaim it and recommend the book to all of their female friends perhaps buying them copies. "Is this book good?" a woman will ask. The guy will answer, "Definitely. It's all about women coming into their own power."

6) RATED-R: Describe big bewbs, throw in some gore when crushing monsters, and mention that big tower thing that I said you need to have in step 1 a lot. Maybe compare the tower to a guy's manhood or something. Have monsters that want the tower and men defend it from the monsters with much bashing and hewing of flesh and bone. Then more big bewbs that the men fight over.  It'll be brilliant, you'll be considered a creative genius, and they'll pay you $$$$$$.

Remember me when you're famous. Good luck.

2011 Brabus Tesla Sport Cars Green Package Roadster

2011 Brabus Tesla Sport Cars Green Package Roadster

The latest Brabus’ Zero expelling division cooperated on German electricity caller RWE and created the Green Package as the Tesla Roadster, it are as provide added up value to thems customers. This is its latest creation called the Tesla Roadster Brabus Green Sports Pack. Brabus is a prestigious Mercedes-Benz tuner for building highway ballistic weapons and now also has a key for the Telsa Roadster all-electric sports car.

The 2011 Brabus Tesla Sport Cars Green Package Roadster from the BRABUS Zero Emission business division and its cooperation partner RWE, one of the world’s largest producers of electricity, redefines the sports car. The exclusive BRABUS customization program for the first electric production sports car includes the RWE-BRABUS high-tech quick charging station for the customer’s garage and environmentally friendly RWE Eco Electricity for 30,000 kilometers (18,641 miles). Also included is a one-year RWE car electricity pass for free use of all public RWE charging stations. In less than six hours after the open-top sports car eco sense for a range of about 350 km (220 miles) was calculated. Eco-friendly power is available away from home as well. The Green Package also includes a one-year pass for free use of all public RWE charging stations.

2011 Brabus Tesla Sport Cars Green Package Roadster

BRABUS Zero Emission works on eco-friendly vehicle concepts. In customizing the TESLA Roadster the team of engineers, designers and marketing specialists goes beyond just refining the vehicle. The decision to buy this premium electric sports car is even easier to make if customers have their own powerful charging stations at home.

The 2011 Brabus Tesla Sport Cars Green Package Roadster also comes with exclusive equipment. It includes a spectacular look. To refine the mid-engine sports car even more striking face of BRABUS designers on the front with a very light carbon fiber front lip spoiler and integrated LED daytime running lights in the grille. The sides of the Tesla refined Brabus floor heating be futuristic “Space Lights”. They are activated with the remote control or by opening a door. Moving to the back of the BRABUS rear wing and diffuser to the attention of the eye. Both are made of lightweight but high strength carbon fibers. The round taillights are highlighted with color-matching applications.

2011 Brabus Tesla Sport Cars Green Package Roadster fulfills any color request on the electric sports car. The palette ranges from conventional metallic and non-metallic paints in any color imaginable to matte paints and effect paints with genuine crystals. A custom-tailored BRABUS tire/wheel combination provides better driving dynamics. The two-seater is refined with weight-optimized BRABUS Monoblock S alloy wheels in size 7Jx18 in front and in size 8.5Jx19 in the rear. The matching high-performance tires in sizes 215/35 ZR 18 in front and 255/30 ZR 19 on the rear axle were selected specifically for their low rolling resistance.

2011 Brabus Tesla Sport Cars Green Package Roadster

Innovative ideas have fueled the success of BRABUS for more than three decades. With its tuning program for the TESLA Roadster the company from Bottrop also addresses an issue often criticized in electric cars: The engine sound. To lend the two-seater are more exciting sound the BRABUS electronics specialists developed a space sound generator. The crew onboard the TESLA Roadster can select from various engine sound simulations such as the sound of a typical V8, a racecar or two futuristic soundscapes called Beam and Warp. The sound intensity is dependent on the respective power output of the electric motor.

The 2011 Brabus Tesla Sport Cars Green Package Roadster is available only in Germany.

If You're An Alpha Male, You Really Should Love George R.R. Martin

George R.R. Martin is the alpha male's version of Stephenie Meyer. For every sparkly vampire there's a woman on her knees getting it doggy style. For every sigh and stare, there's blood and monsters. There's enough conniving women to fill roles for a reboot of Dynasty.

I love the Game of Thrones on HBO. That being said, I was re-reading portions of it the other day that have been at the root of several discussions with my friend James on the phone (he worships at the pen of the mighty George). It went something along the lines of my usual take on Mr. Martin, which I think has merit, despite the fact that the overall consensus from most men is that George R.R. Martin is a genius (and therefore his work is irrefuteable).  So here I am...laying it out there for you to examine with a bit of his colorful prose:

"When she was clean, the slaves helped her from the water and toweled her dry. The girl brushed her hair until it shone like molten silver, while the old woman anointed her with the spiceflower perfume of the Dothraki plains, a dab on each wrist, behind her ears, on the tips of her breasts, and one last one, cool on her lips, down there between her legs."

                  -- page 32

I especially liked how he described it being cool on the lips...almost as if he'd experienced it himself. So imaginative.  You know...I'm gonna say it...there really is a huge double-standard here. If the storyline was the same and the characters essentially the same but instead of an underage girl, it was an underage boy, having his anus annointed for the Dothraki Chieftan Khal Drogo...this would be unpublishable. Not only that, but people would shout, "PERVERT!!!" No one would say, "Oh this is just sooo amazing and sure there's the part with the boy getting it up the ass but that's all explained in the world-building etc. I mean there's no author intent there at all...what a genius."

"Her loins still ached from the urgency of his lovemaking. It was a good ache. She could feel his seed within her. She prayed that it might quicken there."

                 -- page 59

Hmmm. I always wondered what you women were thinking about after a good roll in the hay? Oh boy...did George nail it or what?!? Let's be honest now, you ladies out there...when you were finished with your husbands and boyfriends or whomever, you too (like Catelyn) lay in your beds with your furs to your chins and prayed for a quickening, right?

This is George. He writes books for alpha males
and those that like alpha males.

Game of Thrones is an epic fantasy and I do like it. But you know, it does redefine the word fantasy as I came to know it. For example...there's the fantasy of Tolkien which we all know about...and then there's the fantasy of the sexually repressed man, right? But Game of Thrones manages to be both and I think therein lies its brilliance and appeal to men.

I love you George. Every alpha male guy in the world needs to read your books and maybe after that go hunting, fishing, and eat some red meat right off the bone while pounding his chest.

I salute you! hee hee

2011 BMW Sports Cars Sedan M5 Concept

2011 BMW Sports Cars Sedan M5 Concept

Just unveiled at the 2011 Shanghai Auto Show is the 2011 BMW M5 concept. When the first-generation BMW M5 arrived in the U.S. in 1987, it essentially created a new class of high-performance sports sedan. The super sports cars sedan concept continued to evolve reaching the point where the last-generation M5 came with a Formula 1-inspired V-10 engine, but its clunky single-clutch paddle-shift gearbox and weighty chassis disappointed. Since then, others have upped their game and stolen the limelight. Not one to give up easily, BMW is poised to reign supreme once again in the world of blazingly quick 4-doors. A reign, might we add, that will allow for five full-sized adults to sit comfortably.

2011 BMW Sports Cars Sedan M5 Concept

The BMW M5 was the first car of its kind to offer racing-oriented high performance in a sedan that could be driven without restrictions in everyday road traffic. This unique concept cars developed into a remarkable success story spanning four model generations. The BMW M GmbH is now drawing the attention of racing car enthusiasts to a four-seater yet again. The 2011 BMW Sports Cars Sedan M5 Concept, which is making its public debut at the Auto Shanghai 2011, presents itself as the latest reinterpretation of this unmistakable vehicle character.

2011 BMW Sports Cars Sedan M5 Concept

For 25 years now, the fascinating combination of supreme driving comfort experienced in a premium upper midrange sedan and the handling characteristics of a high-performance sports car has been described by one single unmistakable model designation – BMW M5. In 1984, with the first generation of this model, the BMW M GmbH laid the foundation stone for a completely new vehicle category.

A new high-revving V8 engine with M TwinPower Turbo Technology guarantees typical M power output. The eight-cylinder power unit delivers a spontaneous and even acceleration, which remains constant up to the highest load and is characteristic of the M feeling, in a previously unequalled dimension. At the same time, both performance and efficiency have been significantly increased in comparison to the previous engine. Numerous drivetrain innovations and other enhancements have lead to a reduction in fuel consumption and emission levels by more than 25 percent. The new engine and a seven-speed M double-clutch transmission with Drivelogic and M-specific suspension and steering create the ideal prerequisites for an unrivalled driving experience.

2011 BMW Sports Cars Sedan M5 Concept - the future of the high-performance sports car with four doors and five seats. The 2011 BMW Sports Cars Sedan M5 Concept embodies the vision of a premium upper midrange sedan offering the highest degree of comfort for up to five occupants and allowing the driver to follow the ideal racing line both on the racetrack and in everyday road traffic. The 2011 BMW Sports Cars Sedan M5 Concept combines outstanding performance resulting from racing-inspired drive and suspension technology with typical M aesthetics that authentically express the vehicle's dynamic potential.

2011 BMW Sports Cars Sedan M5 Concept

The concept car visualises the unmistakable characteristics of a BMW M model, which mature from a harmonious overall concept in which engine, suspension and design complement each other perfectly. The BMW M GmbH's know-how gained from decades of experience and constantly further developed under racing conditions manifests itself in this combination. Innovative technology derived directly from motor racing provides each new BMW model with unmatched high-performing characteristics.

2011 BMW Sports Cars Sedan M5 Concept

With powerfully modelled wheel arches and dynamically flowing lines, the 2011 BMW Sports Cars Sedan M5 Concept also signalises uncompromising sportiness when viewed from the side. The long wheelbase, the set back passenger cabin and the black side window surrounds distinctively underscore the sedan's stretched silhouette. This appearance is even more strongly emphasised through M-specific lowering of the vehicle. The athletically flared wheel arches are complemented by M-specific light alloy wheels sporting a double-spoke design. Due to the vehicle's wide track, they are flush with the car body. The 20-inch forged rims are fitted with tyre size 265/35 ZR20 at the front and 265/35 ZR20 at the back.

2011 BMW Sports Cars Sedan M5 Concept

The world premiere of the 2011 BMW Sports Cars Sedan M5 Concept at the Auto Shanghai 2011 gives clear signals for the continuation of this tradition. Based on the design vocabulary developed for the BMW 5-Series Sedan, the near-series concept car reflects the characteristic styling features of a BMW M automobile, with which the car’s further enhanced dynamic potential is authentically visualised.

Kids And Their Answers

My friend J. William Berger sent me these. So funny, don't you think?

2011 Dodge Sport Cars Charger Mopar

2011 Dodge Sport Cars Charger Mopar

The Charger redline bring 2011 version of the popular vehicle lower to the ground with a suspension that lowers the car an inch. Chrysler Group LLC's Mopar Division will launch a limited-edition Dodge Charger outfitted with select high-performance parts and appearance items straight from the Mopar parts catalog, to built on the success of 2010 Dodge Challenger Mopar.

2011 Dodge Sport Cars Charger Mopar

A sports car from Chrysler is back, this time present in the arena of the 2011 New York Auto Show is the 2011 Dodge Sport Cars Charger Mopar. With power and good performance, 2011 Mopar Dodge Charger ’11 to give you a different sensation when the highways since 2011 Dodge Sport Cars Charger Mopar has the look of the mysterious and ferocious.

"The 2011 Dodge Sport Cars Charger Mopar '11 Charger takes the 'head- turning' factor up a few notches," said Pietro Gorlier, President and CEO of Mopar, Chrysler Group's service, parts and customer-care brand. "By adding some of the most distinctive accessories to an already strong performer, we've created a special-edition car for enthusiasts."

2011 Dodge Sport Cars Charger Mopar

Like the Dodge Charger R/T, the 2011 Dodge Sport Cars Charger Mopar also uses a machine with a capacity large enough so that the 2011 Dodge Sport Cars Charger Mopar’11 uses powered  5.7-liter HEMI®  V8 capable of producing power at 370 hp with 395 lb-ft of torque, the specially equipped Charger includes the "Super Trac Pac" option that pushes the capabilities of the Dodge Charger Mopar in acceleration, handling and braking. Already powerful, the 5.7-liter has been tuned to extract the maximum amount of torque from the engine with the inclusion of a specially calibrated engine controller. The controller matches maximum engine power and transmission shifting to the differential for the 2011 Dodge Sport Cars Charger Mopar. While the 2011 Dodge Sport Cars Charger Mopar’11 transmission used is 5-speed automatic transmission with Auto Stick feature, so with the Auto Stick feature, the driver can select a higher gear or lower and the transmission controller which can help prevent the possibility of over-rev condition in 2011 Dodge Mopar Charger.

2011 Dodge Sport Cars Charger Mopar

While the 2011 Dodge Sport Cars Charger Mopar’11 has a fairly rapid acceleration of being able to travel 0-60 mph less than 5 seconds. 2011 Dodge Mopar Charger ’11 has a three stage stability control, standard tune and sporty suspension that can give you comfort when using the 2011 Dodge Sport Cars Charger Mopar’11 on the road. Enhancements to the chassis include adding larger front 30mm solid stabilizer bar and rear 20mm solid stabilizer bar, increases from 27mm and 16mm (respectively). Adding to the overall stability and handling of the 2011 Dodge Sport Cars Charger Mopar are cross-car braces located at both the front and rear shock towers. For increased luggage space, the rear tower-to-tower brace may be easily removed.

2011 Dodge Sport Cars Charger Mopar

Specific-design, 20-inch x 8-inch Envy wheels are fitted with Goodyear F1 Supercar 245/45ZR20 tires at all four corners. Wheels are a five-spoke design with a 45mm offset, include specific Mopar center caps and are finished in a high-gloss black complementing the overall "Pitch Black" exterior finish of the 2011 Dodge Sport Cars Charger Mopar.

2011 Dodge Sport Cars Charger Mopar

The interior boasts Katzkin leather seats, metallic trim and a strange shifter. There are also alloy pedals, 2011 Dodge Sport Cars Charger Mopar floor mats and an individually-numbered plaque. The suspension is also revised. It features bigger stabilizer bars (30 mm at the front and 20mm at the rear) and strut tower braces Mopar also installed a high performance braking system with enormous calipers and discs behind the 20” wheels. Excellent stopping power is provided through vented rotors measuring 345mm x 28mm up front that are fitted with dual-piston, sliding calipers. At the rear, vented rotors measuring 320mm x 22mm, coupled with single-piston calipers are used.

2011 Dodge Sport Cars Charger Mopar is available in a choice of colors Pitch Black, interior Mopar Dodge Charger ’11 is also the same as the color of the exterior so that the 2011 Dodge Charger Mopar ’11 is really very mysterious and very suitable for those who like to be a hidden strength. A pair of blue lines also give the impression of a different race. The blue line in 2011 Dodge Sport Cars Charger Mopar is from front to back, not only exterior but the interior 2011 Dodge Sport Cars Charger Mopar’11 also has a blue line.

2011 Dodge Sport Cars Charger Mopar’11 will be built in Brampton, Ontario and settled in central upfit in Windsor, Ontario. 2011 Dodge Sport Cars Charger Mopar’11 will be produced as many as 1000 units, 900 units will be provided to the United States, while 100 units for Canada. 2011 Dodge Sport Cars Charger Mopar’11 will be sold with prices starting at $ 39,750 and for ordering will be available starting on 18 April while the Dodge Mopar Charger ’11 shipments will begin in late summer.

2011 Dodge Sport Cars Charger Mopar

Customers who purchase a 2011 Dodge Sport Cars Charger Mopar will receive a personalized owner kit in a customized Mopar '11 box. The kit will include a certificate with the vehicle identification number (VIN), exact date of manufacture and the number of the vehicle. The kit will also include a brochure that highlights the unique features of the vehicle, exclusive Mopar '11 merchandise.