There's nothing better than pretentious writing, right? And it's surprisingly easy to do at home. To illustrate this, I'm going to use a poem. If you follow my example, before long, you'll be writing pretentiously for readers and writers alike!
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sugar is sweet,
And so are you.
Step One: Add old time words nobody uses in real life
Roses doth be red,
Err violets are blue,
Sugar is sweet,
Thus so art thou.
Step Two: Add complex terms for simple words
Grandifloras doth be damask,
Err viola are azurite,
Sugar is ambrosial,
Thus so.
Step Three: Add some foreign words and italicize them
Grandifloras doth be damask,
Err Viola are azurite,
Tener azucar ambrosial,
Thus so art thou.
Step Four: Add something technological so people realize you’re living in a new age
Grandifloras doth be damask,
Err Viola ping azurite,
Tener azucar ambrosial,
Thus thou art interfaced.
Step Five: Add some other modern stuff such as abbreviations and slang
OMG Grandifloras doth B damask,
Err Viola ping azurite,
Tener azucar ambrosial,
Thus thou RT interfaced sandwich girl.
Step Six: Mix up the line endings
OMG Grandifloras
Doth B
Damask, err
Viola ping
Azurite, tener azucar
Ambrosial,
Thus
Thou
RT interfaced
Sandwich girl.
Step Seven: Take out the punctuation
OMG Grandifloras
Doth B
Damask err
Viola ping
Azurite tener azucar
Ambrosial
Thus
Thou
RT interfaced
Sandwich girl
There you go. One gloriously pretentious poem in seven easy steps.
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